Disagreement vs Argument: Healthy Communication for Teens

“My teen is always arguing with me!” is a common complaint by many parents. Teens tend to be more combative than when they were younger, struggle to regulate their emotions, and challenge parents for their independence, which can lead to arguments, stress, and constant disagreements. 

Teaching teens healthy communication and how to respectfully disagree is an essential skill that improves their social functioning, mental well-being, and success in adulthood. 

What’s the Difference Between a Disagreement and An Argument? 

If you’ve ever heard someone say about their kid or partner, “we never argue” you may wonder, seriously? No chance. But it’s not that these people agree on everything; it’s that they don’t allow their disagreements to escalate into arguments. An argument often involves negative emotions, defensiveness, accusations, anger, and blame. And most of us have had arguments at some point in our lives. 

A disagreement can occur between two people without damaging the relationship. You and the other person may have differing opinions, but it will not cause serious problems in how you perceive or respect each other [1].  

It’s a bit more complicated with teens who often need to be taught the skill set to respectfully disagree. Arguments are fueled by emotions, and teens naturally have trouble regulating theirs. This can lead to quick escalations fueled by irritability or stress. Helping your teen understand the difference between these two terms is essential when teaching them conflict resolution skills and how to manage successful relationships, so every disagreement doesn’t turn into an argument or conflict.  

Examples of arguing vs disagreeing include: 

• Arguing: I don’t agree with you, you are wrong, and we are going to debate until you know how right I am.  

• Disagreeing: I don’t agree with you. At least I see where you’re coming from. But it’s okay, no harm.

Why Teens Struggle With Healthy Communication? 

If they are not taught consistent skills, teens struggle with healthy communication due to a combination of biological factors that impact brain development, social influences, and stressors in their environment. 

• Biology and Development: The teen brain is still growing, and regions such as the prefrontal cortex, which controls impulsivity and emotional regulation, are still forming, making them naturally more reactive or explosive to stress or conflict. Teens naturally struggle to reason, plan ahead, and think of the long-term consequences of their words or actions [2]. 

• Parenting Style: Teens who grow up in homes with regular conflict and arguments may perceive this as a normal communication style and way of handling disagreements [3]. 

• Stress in their Environment: Teens may struggle to emotionally regulate and communicate if they have experienced trauma, chronic stress, academic pressure, substance abuse, or mental illness in the home, among other triggers. 

• Mental Health Disorders: Mood disorders such as bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), conduct disorder, and ADHD can make it harder for teens to regulate their emotions. This often leads to symptoms of combativeness, breaking the rules, and aggression [4].   

• Social and Cultural factors: Teens may struggle to manage their emotions due to the influence of social expectations, cultural norms, and societal pressures that shape how they express and manage their feelings. For example, teen boys are often socialized to respond with anger and aggression, rather than sadness or crying. 

Healthy Ways to Handle Disagreements and Communication Skills for Teens 

Handling disagreements politely and respectfully has become a lost art, especially in today’s polarized political and social media climate in the US. Equipping your teen with healthy tools to handle disagreements is an investment in their success, social functioning, and future relationships. 

Disagreements between parents and teens are a natural part of development. They can be a great learning opportunity to model to your teen what respectful disagreement and healthy conflict resolution look like. Here are some tips to handle disagreements with your teen in a healthy, developmentally-friendly way: 

• Listen actively and try to understand their point of view. Avoid interrupting, make them feel respected, and show genuine interest in their opinions by asking open-ended questions. 

• Recognize when you or your teen needs to take a pause. Sometimes emotions run high, and that’s okay. Learn to walk away. Let yourself both cool off before finishing the conversation. 

• Turning arguments into productive conversations by asking questions and having them elaborate on their point. Especially if they are trying to get something from you or negotiate 
  • Example: If they ask to stay out past curfew, don’t just give a yes or no. Ask them, “Help me understand why you think that’s a good idea?” This can foster their reasoning skills and teach them self-awareness. 

• Use “I” statements. 
  • Example: “I feel upset with your behavior” or “I am concerned for your health and safety” rather than “You’re being immature” or “You’re being bad” 

• Practice empathy and encourage your teen to practice it too. These can be small things on a daily basis. 
  • Example: Challenge your teen to understand other people’s feelings and perspectives. Ask them questions such as “How do you think the other person was feeling at that moment? Why do you think they behaved the way they did?” 

• Set boundaries. 
  • Example: No yelling, name-calling, slamming doors or getting physically aggressive. 

Building Communication Skills at Clearfork Academy in Texas 

Clearfork Academy is a network of behavioral health facilities in Texas committed to helping teens recover from substance abuse disorders and co-occurring mental health challenges. We also provide education to families and communities to support the growth and development of teens. 

Our family support services include therapy, skill-building workshops, and educational events to help parents and caregivers strengthen their relationships with youth to foster their success and emotional well-being. Discover how Clearfork Academy can support your teen today.  Contact us!

Sources 

[1] Abrahams, M. et al. 2024. Navigating the Nuance: The Art of Disagreeing Without Conflict. Stanford University. 

[2] Giannantonio, M.et al.  (2020). Emotional Dysregulation in Adolescents: Implications for the Development of Severe Psychiatric Disorders, Substance Abuse, and Suicidal Ideation and Behaviors. Brain sciences, 10(9), 591.

[3] Branje, S. et al. (2020). Parent-Adolescent Conflict across Adolescence: Trajectories of Informant Discrepancies and Associations with Personality Types. Journal of youth and adolescence, 49(1), 119–135.

[4] Popow, C. et al. (2021). Emotional Dysregulation in Children and Adolescents With Psychiatric Disorders. A Narrative Review. Frontiers in psychiatry, 12, 628252.