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Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating and helps teens build confidence, set boundaries, and form strong relationships built on mutual respect. Being assertive is a skill that must be taught and practiced throughout development.
Some teens struggle with assertiveness, coming across as either “too passive” or “too aggressive”. Help your teen practice communication skills, active listening, and model what being assertive looks like in day-to-day life.
What Is Assertiveness and Why Does it Matter?
Assertiveness is the ability to speak up for ourselves in an honest and respectful way. For teens, assertiveness is key to healthy social development and helps them do things like approaching a teacher with a question, interviewing for a job, or asking someone out on a date. Assertive teens often make friends more easily, actively participate in class, and have higher confidence levels. They are also better at working out conflicts or disagreements [1].
Being assertive isn’t something that comes naturally to everyone. Some teens tend to be more “passive” and struggle to express themselves, while others may be overly direct and come across as “aggressive”.
An assertive style is the medium between these. Here’s what it means to be assertive for teens:
- They can respectfully disagree.
- They can express their wants and needs.
- They can give an opinion.
- They are able to say no without feeling guilty.
- They speak up for others.
Examples of Being Passive vs Aggressive vs Assertive
How can you tell where your teen falls on the assertiveness scale? Below are a few examples:
Passive Communication Style
You might ask your teen what movie they want to see or what they want to eat, and they are likely to say, “I don’t know, whatever you want,” or “What do you want to see?”. These teens usually let others decide things for them, but later often regret not speaking up.
Passivity can lead to resentment, anger, and isolation. Teens who hold back what they think and feel often struggle to connect with peers or may feel like they don’t “fit in”. It can make them feel like their opinions don’t count and lower their confidence, contributing to mental health challenges such as anxiety or depression.
Aggressive Communication Style
If your teen has an aggressive communication style, they often have no problem speaking their mind, but may come across as loud, rude, or disrespectful. They may dominate conversations, interrupt others, and struggle to actively listen. They can be perceived by peers as bossy and insensitive, and often struggle with conflict.
Teens who come across as overly aggressive often find it difficult to make or keep friends and often get in trouble in class. They may end up being rejected, disliked, or losing the respect of their peers [2].
Assertive Communication Style
If your teen has an assertive communication style, they can share their opinion honestly in a way that is respectful and doesn’t make you feel “wrong.” They can disagree and still respect others’ points of view, and are able to freely express their needs.
What Causes Teens to Be Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive?
Part of our communication styles is personality, but the other parts are learned skills, especially influenced by parents or caregivers. Teens who grow up in homes where being assertive is not consistently modeled won’t have a reference for what assertiveness looks like [3].
If your teen is passive, they may struggle with:
- A lack of confidence in themselves or their opinions
- Being a people pleaser and worrying too much about being liked by others
- Sensitive to criticism, rejection, or being ignored
- Have not yet developed the skills to be assertive
- Mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, trauma, or attachment issues.
If your teen is aggressive, they may struggle with:
- Being overconfident or egocentric
- Focusing only on themselves, their needs, and getting their opinions across
- Not learning respect, empathy, or considering other viewpoints
- Not learning listening skills or how to ask for advice from others
- Mental health challenges such as bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, trauma, or chronic stress can cause emotional dysregulation, mood swings, and “blowups” [4].
If your teen is assertive, this often means they have:
- High self-confidence but still respects and values the viewpoints of others.
- An interest in others’ opinions, ideas, and feelings.
- Resilience to overcome challenges such as rejection, failure, or criticism.
- Knowing their ideas or beliefs have been welcomed or rewarded in the past.
- Role models (parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, mentors, etc) that model assertiveness in day-to-day interactions.
How to Help Your Teen Be More Assertive
Healthy communication skills that lead to assertiveness, such as respect, understanding, listening, and empathy, begin at home. Teach your teen the importance of being assertive and how it can contribute to both their happiness and success.
To help your teen be less passive and more assertive, encourage them to:
- Have them pay attention to what they think, feel, and believe. They have to know these things to be able to communicate them with others.
- Have them practice expressing their preferences or needs. If they say “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”, don’t make a decision for them. Let them know that you’re interested in hearing what they need or want, and give them some time to consider their response.
- Have them practice asking for things. “Can I borrow a pencil?” “Can I go to my friend’s house?” “Can you give me a ride?”
- Model what it looks like to be assertive. If your teen asks you something, state how you feel. If they share their opinion, actively listen and try to understand their point of view, even if you disagree.
Building Communication Skills at Clearfork Academy in Texas
Clearfork Academy is a network of behavioral health facilities in Texas committed to helping teens recover from substance abuse disorders and co-occurring mental health challenges. We also provide education to families and communities to support the growth and development of teens.
Our family support services include therapy, skill-building workshops, and educational events to help parents and caregivers strengthen their relationships with youth to foster their success and emotional well-being. Contact our admissions team today to find effective treatment for your teen.
Sources
[1] Masoudi, R. et al. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent medical journal, 18(1), e21096.
[2] Garcia, A. et al. (2021). Communication Styles and Attention Performance in Primary School Children. Behavioral Sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 11(12), 172.
[3] Branje, S. et al. (2020). Parent-Adolescent Conflict across Adolescence: Trajectories of Informant Discrepancies and Associations with Personality Types. Journal of youth and adolescence, 49(1), 119–135.
[4] Popow, C. et al. (2021). Emotional Dysregulation in Children and Adolescents With Psychiatric Disorders. A Narrative Review. Frontiers in psychiatry, 12, 628252.
Founder & CEO
Originally from the Saginaw, Eagle Mountain area, Austin Davis earned a Bachelor of Science in Pastoral Ministry from Lee University in Cleveland, TN and a Master of Arts in Counseling from The Church of God Theological Seminary. He then went on to become a Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor in the State of Texas.
Austin’s professional history includes both local church ministry and clinical counseling. At a young age, he began serving youth at the local church in various capacities which led to clinical training and education. Austin gained a vast knowledge of mental health disorders while working in state and public mental health hospitals. This is where he was exposed to almost every type of diagnosis and carries this experience into the daily treatment.
Austin’s longtime passion is Clearfork Academy, a christ-centered residential facility focused on mental health and substance abuse. He finds joy and fulfillment working with “difficult” clients that challenge his heart and clinical skill set. It is his hope and desire that each resident that passes through Clearfork Academy will be one step closer to their created design.
Austin’s greatest pleasures in life are being a husband to his wife, and a father to his growing children. He serves at his local church by playing guitar, speaking and helping with tech arts. Austin also enjoys being physically active, reading, woodworking, and music.
